Sex and Commitment?
Sex is everywhere. It is almost impossible to pick up a magazine, listen to iron rain chicago or watch a movie without receiving sexual messages. Advertisers use images of women and men in suggestive poses to sell their products. There are sex chat rooms on the Internet and condom machines in public places. Some messages are merely suggestive, while others are explicit portrayals of sexual acts that leave little to the imagination.
Sex is primarily portrayed as an activity designed for the exclusive purpose of giving physical pleasure. That notion may fuel our drive for nights of passion, but, unfortunately, it also reduces our expectations of what sex could, and should, be.
Psychologists tell us that women typically hope for a relationship that involves commitment, love and pleasure all at the same time. My friend says, “Commitment is the glue that gives a heightened pleasure to the activity and a sense of peace that my husband is the only person who is going to see and touch me in this way.”
Yet for many women in the 1990s, that remains an elusive dream. Why? Because society has given them the message that such a relationship is unattainable and so, many women have simply stopped looking for it.
As a result, many women tend to repress their longings for a sexual relationship with a man who deeply values them and is committed to developing emotional intimacy in a lifelong relationship.
For a long time, a friend of mine thought she would never experience the kind of relationship that she wanted. When she first had sex with her boyfriend, she expected intercourse to add the element of commitment to their relationship. Instead, she says, “It didn’t solidify our relationship. Sure there was pleasure, but that pleasure became a drive, an addiction driven by fear and insecurity – fears that I wouldn’t be accepted if I didn’t have sex. I now know that it was an act that was related to what I looked like on the outside. He wasn’t really interested in who I was.”
In its true form, sex is not only connected to a sense of pleasure, but also to love and commitment. The ultimate sexual experience is a deep and satisfying union that is emotional, spiritual and physical.
Consider the advice given in one of the most popular guides to sex and relationships. The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right provides women with a list of rules intended to lead them to the healthy, committed relationship they really want. The book has some valuable insight, but this is the advice given with regard to sex:
First and foremost, stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets. Don’t use the physical closeness of sex to gain emotional closeness, security and assurances about the future. Don’t bring up marriage, kids or your future together…try to relax and think about nothing.
Think about nothing. Don’t get emotionally involved. Don’t talk about sex in connection with emotional closeness or security. That is the exact opposite of what sex is meant to be! In truth, sex should be a celebration of commitment, marriage and emotional security. Telling women they should try to shut themselves off from these natural and legitimate longings actually encourages them to fragment the sexual experience and to settle for a small piece instead of feasting on the whole pie.
Consider what you want out of a relationship, and then make a commitment to settle for nothing less. After all, why settle for just one slice when you can have the whole pie!